Falls Thoughts of You

This is the view we will be seeing here in Pennsylvania in a few weeks. I know Fall/Halloween was your favorite time of year. By now, you’d have been pulling out the storage totes of decorations and making your house look like a Halloween store had a clearance sale.

I was in a the store last night with Sadie looking at shoes to go with her Homecoming dress, and there are fall floral arrangements and pillows, glowing witch decorations, skeleton coffee mugs. All the things you would like. It was also the same store, Marshall’s, where just last year this time Sadie went with you and the girls school shopping. I couldn’t go for some work obligations or whatever but I joined later. Standing in the aisles last night I was brought to tears. Your mind likes to try some magical thinking in those moments. Couldn’t I just look up from this and see you there with the girls and the pants and overflowing cart of school clothes? Why not? Why is this the reality we are trapped in with no undo button?

I wanted to buy some of those cute Halloween or fall decorations but I just do not feel like moving into this next season. I know what’s coming in October and then November. I am not ready to celebrate your birthday without you or to face the reality that it will be a year soon without you. Fall is a beautiful season but I just wanna skip it this year.  Without a doubt it’s going to break my heart all over again.  I want you here and I want to see you fuss over your kids Halloween costumes and get excited about trick or treat. I want to go to Blue Rocks for Halloween and I want to give you a birthday gift like I did last year for the last time. The last time I saw you.

Maybe I’ll try to somehow find the love and light in this season. How beautiful are the leaves as they change and float down gently into my path as I drive the windy country roads where we grew up.  Where we rode bikes and had no worries.  Where we were still just girls with a million memories yet to make and laughs to share.

I’m not ever going to be ready to accept that the memory making has stopped. So I’ll say it’s paused for now. Ok, Bubba?


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